starts now

by thankfeldenkrais

I’m so preoccupied,
By to overwhelming focus areas for Isaac,
Between the continued hunt for the right standing frame,
The increased tip-toe response which pushes him backwards,
Even in sitting,
Requiring a urge to do more sitting and coming forward,
To bring feet flat,
And a increased fear response that is seemingly playing a huge role in his movement,
Bringing about the questions regarding challenging him,
To a point before the fear overwrites his system,
It’s possibly easy to forgive me,
The fact I missed a merging trend in Isaac’s behaviour,
Which our practitioner brings to my attention.

A creeping in of a seeming lack of confidence.

A self doubt,
Blocking him from trying.

And a deference to me,
To do things for him.

Which has no doubt become second nature to me now,
Almost flying on autopilot to his rescue,
The moment he says I can’t,
Or I don’t want to.

In fear of him feeling incapable,
Or missing out more than he does already,
I guess it became instinctive,
The responsibility as mother,
To shield him from discomfort,
And forever be there to help,
To protect him from harm.

And yet I am doing him a disservice.

And now brought to my attention,
Something I must watch out for,
And be careful not to indulge,
By dropping everything to be his knight-in-shining-armour.

But instead say,
I’m busy,
Keep trying,
Have another go,
I’ll be there in a minute.

To allow him time,
To become familiar with his own frustrations,
Familiar with the idea that first attempts may fail,
And to problem solve his own way to success.

But as an extension of me,
I find it difficult,
As it feels as if his every failure is my own,
Every pain,
Frustration,
And sheer devastation,
Is my own.

And it will be baby steps,
And only within reason,
That I can begin to set small perimeters,
Around what I let him struggle with.

Because like every mother I’m sure,
You cannot bear to see your child suffer,
And boy has he suffered enough thus far.

And I want him to know that I will always be there to catch him,
When he falls.

But I can see,
How this controlled,
Character strengthening,
Will in fact build his confidence,
And give him options,
As he grows,
And the reality is,
His life will constantly be filled with varying degrees of difficulties,
Which only he himself will face,
Will understand,
And needs to find ways to manage.

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But giving him the self-belief,
And confidence,
To try,
And try again,
Starts now.

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