some days/i like yesterday

by thankfeldenkrais

It’s hard to keep your balance when you find the surface beneath your feet,
Turns to quicksand,
At another blind corner,
You spin into vulnerably,
When you were so sure the path just in front of you,
Looked somewhat stable.

And some days you might just let it suck you down,
Just to rest,
Just for a little while.

So you don’t have to fight for the energy to make tracks.

Some days you can’t remember why yesterday you were laughing,
Why nothing was too big a task,
Why nothing felt impossible,
And why love seemed all you would ever need.

Because some days,
You’re told things that hurt,
As if words are just facts,
And as if every fact is not attached to yet another led balloon,
To which they add to the bunch,
You already drag around with you.
The invisible shackle of,
Pain,
Sadness,
Fear,
Doubt,
And guilt.

And it’s on this day they say to you,
His growth looks like it might be stunted.

I like yesterday.

Because yesterday was suddenly one pain lighter,
One problem less to solve,
And one less anxiety attack to keep me awake all night.

The echo of that familiar saying,
You can lead a horse to water,
But you can’t make it drink.
Rudely pops into my conscious thought,
Tormenting my minds space,
Annoying me by it’s seeming lack of consideration,
And evidently of little help,
Or comfort.

I’m racked with ghastly images,
Of a future without growth,
Without the progress I had become accustom,
I’m ripe with panic as to how I can fix him,
I’m awash with self doubt,
Of guilt at how I didn’t notice he was too small,
Of all the things I’ve done wrong that lead to this moment.

I like yesterday.

While dietitians are recommended,
Feeding supplements discussed,
I’m mentally trying to find space to process the new dilemma.

And I’m displaced further,
By exemplifying the subject matters seeming nonchalance,
By swooping wildly from it – my stunted baby,
With his small head,
His low weight,
And short height,
To an introduction of needing Botox injections by age two,
Into his tiny vulnerable muscles with giant needles,
Which don’t measure in length ideally.
And then darts again,
To how routine Hip X-rays are vital for the immobility in his joints,
That tend to progress into dislocations.

In swift sharp blows.
Professional.
With authority force.

And I am not ready to duck.

Apparently all because we are approaching his second year of life.
The age they stamp to the check lists he so apparently is failing.

I like yesterday.

Yesterday my baby wasn’t stunted,
He was still only twenty-one months old,
His body was in perfect proportion,
And he was laughing as if he were free.

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And I was tied to one less led balloon.

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