The overwhelming joy of seeing that little body commandoing across the floor,
Is laced with the knowledge,
Or more honestly the fear,
Of how hard it is to maintain.
I watch the tide wash in of progress only to have it sucked back out to sea before,
Through medications disruption,
Anxiety induced spasm,
Fits of seizure,
And demanding too much of him.
With brain injury I see first hand the difficulty to sustain,
Once something is learned,
It’s more easily lost,
With constant neural interruption,
A system so readily overwhelmed.
A focus change –
New tasks explored and,
At the sacrifice of another.
Plasticity is competitive – the plastic paradox – a double edged sward.
Always a default behaviour looming in the darkness,
Willing to fight for neural-space.
Seemingly powerless to prevent it.
But I’m learning my power –
We can never completely recreate someone else’s nervous system for them,
But we can show them there is an easier way,
Make the suggestions,
Give them choices,
Provide the opportunity to learn,
In the right ratio of challenge – without threat.
A challenge too great -poses the threat –
Demands more of his system than he is capable –
All we see then is fear – echoed through his entire body,
Freezing him of movement.
Each Feldenkrais session filled to the brim of wisdom,
I thirstily gulp down in their precious entirety.
Also swallowing down,
My truth –
That I am predominantly his opportunity.
With its fate in my hands,
I strive to grab it by the throat,
As if hunting for survival,
I’m ready – I may not have total power but,
I can pounce.
Isaac’s development my prey.
Things I never thought to be part of me in this lifetime,
Are now my reality.
I’m feverish with denial,
But I’ve started the chase –
My mind is open,
And my heart is beating with love,
I now understand the power of motherhood,
The primal instincts,
The self sacrifice inadvertent,
Isaac my cheer squad,
As I am his,
Come on mummy, we got this!
I’m sure I hear him chanting.