leave me alone

by thankfeldenkrais

We arrive in the dark,
Isaac is beyond tired,
Agitation had built through the drive,
As the medication filtered through with time.
To my relief.
Yet to my distress,
He pained as he knew,
He really didn’t want to be here.

He’s right back to his state of terror.
Every sound has him jolting in fear,
Screaming at the scary unfamiliar faces,
The anxiety never allowing him to soften,
Keeping himself on high alter.

I’m sad for so many reasons,
For being back here,
For the loss of his sense of security,
For the unknown,
For him,
For myself.

He is so rattled in a shared space,
That as the hours ticked by,
Crossing the line from night to day,
Staff finally decide to give him his own room.
In desperate attempt to give him sleep.

Medication is switched,
And the loading continues,
Tegretol by one mil measure,
Four hours pass,
And Topiramate follows.
Until one mil and two and a half mil respectively,
Twice daily.

Then the monitoring seizure activity begins again,
Tallying in excess of thirty a day,
Topiramate dose increased to two mil,
EEG ensues,
With pleading eyes he sings out in distress,
Leave me alone I see call from his eyes.

All the while he cannot sleep,
His eyes so raw read with fatigue,
Too distressed to feed by fluoro light,
I find myself crouching,
Tear washed,
In the toilet stall,
Switching off the light,
Compelling him to breast.
Feeling beyond desperate,
Exhausted,
Lost.
Broken.

And so following six days of tormented observations,
Tears and terror,
The tell tale ankle bands still adorned,
He is discharged with focal motor epilepsy.

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We all look as though we’ve been thrown into battle,
We have of sorts,
Shaken and bruised.
We drive home,
Too tired to contemplate what comes next.

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