I told you so

by thankfeldenkrais

I cried and screamed,
Those same words,
I told you so
I told you so
To those around me,
As if somehow they should have known,
And somehow were responsible.

But I blamed myself.
Blamed myself for lowering my guard with his,
As if by displaying weakness caused cracks to emerge.

Guilt boiling to the surface once more,
For the reasons why he’s less than whole.
Distraught,
Broken,
I’m sucked back into a dark vortex,
Where no amount of daylight can ease the pressure.

He was having seizures,
His brain in distress,
Cross firing.
Circuit shortage.
So many analogies,
All bleak in outlook.
All from a damaged brain.

And in a whirlwind Levetiracetam was on the menu,
Anti-epileptic medication,
Scheduling our day.

And monitoring him with hawk eyes,
For any sighting of a twitch,
Tallying each and every one,
And cross referencing back,
Begging it to be less frequent,
More subtle than its predecessor.

Hope was shattered with increased frequency,
And severity,
Jumping from one anticonvulsant to another,
Without success.
There was no denying them,
Medication was failing to respond,
And my heart hit my stomach as another hospital admission loomed.

Through my thick fog,
That bright little face just stares back at me,
With his new found calm,
Eyes sunny despite faulty neuro-activity,
Blissful in his beautiful naivety.

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And I burst into tears,
Knowing all that he gained,
Soon to be stripped from his fragile being,
Once thrown back at the mercy of white coat strangers.

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