a twitch is not a twitch

by thankfeldenkrais

High off post party energy,
A happy momentum was starting to build.
Feeling renewed in a sense,
A focus emerging from the last four months of blurred vision.
Clarity too strong a word,
But a dramatic shift had occurred,
And for the first time Isaac had a glimpse of calm about him,
As if he had been waiting to be welcomed in celebration,
And thus allowing him to lower his guard a fraction.
For the first time people able to hold him without panic.

It was welcomed relief,
Muddled with disbelief,
He fed by sunlight publicly for the first time effortlessly.
Mystified by what freed him,
Yet beyond grateful for a new contentment.

Feldenkrais method saw us curling him in flexion,
Holding him close,
Securing him to our body,
Allowing the jiggle of movement to transpire,
From me to him,
Giving him subtle positional change,
He could not yet create himself.

The closeness perhaps connecting him,
To himself,
To me.
Finding trust.

But I blinked and it was gone.
No sooner had we found our footing,
The foundations fell away.

Ever so slight twitches of movement,
First the right hand clicking up and down rhythmically,
Then the eyes ticking side to side,
Followed by the tongues involuntary beat,
A spasmodic type of action,
So fleeting,
We’re left questioning,
Doubting,
If it even happened at all.

Begging it to be a simple muscle tremor,
Yet dread mounting,
Fearing my own intuition,
Nothing good would last.
Never out of the woods,
Reality struck me hard,
And so I start stacking up my defensive walls again,
Never safe,
Never free.
I brace for impact.

Faking a smile,
Willing the dark voice inside my head,
Telling me something is wrong,
To move aside for optimism.
And unconvincingly taking words of reassurance in my back pocket,
I tuck him under my arm and head to the paediatrician.

It took mere moments for the walls to come crashing down,
No amount of bracing was enough,
For I had known deep down,
That a twitch is not a twitch,
Not for us,
I already knew lightening could strike twice.

Seizures.

I feel the tears prickle my eyes,
And then go cold.
The voice inside my head yelling,
I told you so,
I told you so.

Broken-Heart-41

 

Image source love.catchsmile.com

 

 

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