tomorrow

by thankfeldenkrais

And then just like that, abrupt, without emphasis.
Tomorrow.
We go.
Dizzy,
A catch in my throat,
Leave?

Panic set in.
No.
I wasn’t ready, I liked it here,
You saved his life, and therefore saved mine.
Going back,
Reeked of loss.
Please let me stay a little longer.

How could I go back?
A former life sat waiting,
For a person who would never return.
Who no longer existed.

Faces waiting washed with sympathy I couldn’t burden,
A silence to hang thick in the air,
The rendered speechless for appropriate response,
For what joy I wasn’t able to relate,
For what I failed to do, that others mastered,
For what left me on the outskirts of a circle I so desperately hoped to belong.
The mothers.

I ached for normality,
Yet now nothing but a distant fantasy,
I missed the exit,
Turned down a road spooked, a deer in the headlights.

So please let me stay a little longer.

I’m not ready to face it out there.
DSC03599

With clammy hands, and a sprinkling of sweat on my brow,
tomorrow would eventuate despite protest,
and so would begin our long road home.
First stop place of birth.
Someone remind me to breathe.

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