say your goodbyes

by thankfeldenkrais

We’re very very concerned about your little boy, his seizures are very frequent now, putting a lot of stress on his brain, he doesn’t seem to be responding as we would have hoped, we need to advise you to prepare yourself to say your goodbyes.

Blank.

Everything went blank. A vacuum force pulling me down.

A darkness washed over me as those words were absorbed but misplaced before reaching reason. The four walls close in, keeling over involuntarily, breathless. Collapse.

And I fall to him.

No more cooling, no more cords, give me my baby and let me hold him. He doesn’t belong to you, he’s mine.

My child, my boy, let me look into your eyes, let me absorb your face, your fingers, your toes, let me really see you, pure and naked. Be pressed against my bare skin for as long as we both have, as mother and son.

The entire family gathered, a pride of lions protecting its young, weak and vulnerable.

All in a harmony of disbelief and helplessness.

And so we rotate, all taking him in, feeling the realness of him, his smell, his chest rise and fall, his seeming flawlessness. Love.
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And a collective inward breath in the deafening silence, how long did we have?

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