without me

by thankfeldenkrais

The word critical spun around in my head like an hallucinogen.

Isaac was to be helicoptered to our closest major hospital.

But without me.

I was told I’d have to drive.

As he was taken off in a tiny plastic cage to the unknown, alone, I could physically feel my heartbreaking. I had to just watch him go, again completely powerless to his needs.

Was I a mother yet? I didn’t know. I was without him. He was without me. I was without me.

I will follow you, please wait for me.

Crammed in the backseat of my car, pressed up against the brand new baby seat – empty of my baby – it was the longest drive of my life.

Weeping. There were no words to comfort me, no way of gaining context or perspective.
All I felt was pain. Physical. Emotional. Entrenched.

It was darkness, followed by the burn of the fierce fluorescent light pouring over me, and that disinfectant smell insulting all of my senses.

I was being led this way and that, like a marionette – hollow on the inside, relying on strings for movement.

Then there he was. He was real. I hadn’t been imagining him. Still part dream in this nightmare. Alive.

There he lay, silent.

On ice.

Pumped with drugs.

IMAG0053

Now sit, watch and wait. (and try to remember to breathe)

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