from dream to nightmare

by thankfeldenkrais

It was only 2 days past my due date, a blessing for a first time mum-to-be, and my body did all the right things.

Spontaneous waters breaking, contractions starting slow and building over time – going through the hours in an incredible haze of pain and bewilderment.

And then that life changing total relief moment of the final push, and out came the life I had grown.

A baby boy!

He was placed on my chest, with tears flooding my vision, I just let myself feel the weight of him – crying the most profound tears of joy I’d ever known.

A dream.

But then.

No cry.

No breath.

Like a tiny blue fish.

Then they grabbed him.

A nightmare.

Unfolding in microseconds, yet frozen in time like pure stillness. All the oxygen was sucked from the room in that split second transition from pure joy to pure fear.  I couldn’t comprehend. I stared at my mum repeating “he’s got to be ok, he’s got to be ok” – but still unsure if my lips actually moved to create the sounds of words or if it was just in my head.

Then his heart beat.

He was intubated.

He had oxygen.

Then poof – they wheeled him away in a sea of bobbing heads and white coats.

Shock got its strong hands around my entire body – where you feel completely numb yet in more agony than you’ve ever known.

The next time I saw him he lay tiny and cold, covered with cords, beeping machines, a thick crown of black hair, having seizures – the squawk of a lost bird crying for its mother. I was helpless to help him.

So fragile, so perfectly constructed. He was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

We named him Isaac Ali.

He would need to fight like a champion.

Just after Birth at Lismore

Still I was ignorant to what was yet to come.